InsaneJournal

Fic: A Dislike of Candy (G)
Real life has me tied in knots at the moment, between teaching and work (which entails more teaching :P)
Which is partially why this Halloween story is 4 days late. Sigh. Last seen in a Hogsmeade Elite contest.

Title: A Dislike of Candy
Pairing: SS/RL
Rating: G
Word Count: 579
Summary: Severus hates Halloween. He would, wouldn't he? A little OOC and a lot of crack.



Severus hated Halloween. He hated the costumes, the parties, the candy, the glee. The themes of darkness, death and evil admittedly, weren’t half bad. What most irked the Potions Master, however, were the candy-grams. A century-old Hogwarts tradition, students and teachers alike bought these treats, which were distributed anonymously to others, and contributed to the aforementioned glee. They were sugar, charm, and thoughtfulness all bundled up in bright orange and black velvet bags, and therefore Severus found them utterly revolting.

Perhaps most disturbing to Snape was the fact that he had never, in all his years as a student or teacher, ever received one. This year, the elder Creevey boy got 5. 5. They had to transfigure a stray cat into an extra table to house all of Potter’s candy-grams.

“…Professor Snape?”

The voice broke his train of thought. Severus turned to address the speaker with a snarl.

“This one…has your name on it.”

The second-year Hufflepuff shakily dropped the bag onto his plate and ran.

Severus stared at the black velvet bag. He hesitantly poked it with his fork. It didn’t seem alive. Perhaps it was cursed. Poisoned.

Narrowing his eyes, he scanned the room. Surely the bastard who sent the blasted thing would be staring at him, gauging his reaction. The students were too engaged in the festivities to notice Snape’s piercing glare. He turned his attention to the staff members, but they too had also learned to avoid Severus on major holidays so as to evade a verbal kick in the face. Only Lupin shot him a furtive smile, but the dolt had been doing so ever since he had been re-employed by Dumbledore, so Severus did not think much of it. Probably feeling a belated dose of guilt at his attempted murder.

He once again turned his attention to the bag of candy: black and unassuming, a model of innocence. It seemed to be mocking him.

What right did it have to sit on his plate, a monument to his failure as a person? Who would dare ridicule him with such a triviality? Its existence pointed out the fact that there was no other, that it was the only one unworthy enough to be served to him. The candy thought that it was too good for him.

“BE GONE, YOU OVER-SACCHARINED BAG OF LIES!!!” Severus screamed.

With a loud crack, his plate burst into flames.

It was as though the Great Hall had fallen into a sound vacuum. Several students coughed, knowing that laughter would cost them a painful, prolonged death.

Fumbling for his wand, Flitwick hastily shot orange and black streamers into the air, and Dumbledore lowered piñatas filled with candy as a secondary distraction, only after shooting Severus a disapproving frown. Severus noticed that the frown was masking (rather badly) a repressed giggle. And so he swept out of the room, gathering what little dignity he had left with him.

When he reached his quarters, he found the door open, and a note on his table.

Severus,

I regret to have caused you such anxiety. As you are not a fan of candy, I have decided to try liquor instead. I will bring it by in an hour along with my most sincere apologies, as I must unfortunately finish my chaperoning duties. Happy Halloween.

Remus

Severus considered the note for a moment. Furtive glances indeed.
Lucky for Lupin, he thought wryly to himself, that I never turn down a good brandy.